Home Page | A.A.J.L.R. Forum | Contact The Webmaster

The Guardhouse

A story from Ken Hart

One Of Britain's Finest
It was my wont on most mornings to sneak a mug of tea out of the cookhouse after having savoured the delights of the ACC cooking and take it back to the room to enjoy the stewed beverage at my leisure. As everyone who served will know taking food out of the cookhouse was a major crime at Tonfanau.
Anyhow one morning as I sneak out of the cookhouse I am met by the RP Sergeant and an RP Lance Corporal. Now I must admit that I am not certain that this was our old friend Fagg but he certainly had the same looks and brain power.
RP Lance Corporal – “You,” pointing at me, “come here!”
My comrades suddenly vanish and I am left to slink towards them and come to attention.
RP Lance Corporal – “What you doin’ wiv that!”
Me, being extremely quick thinking – “I forgot to leave it in the cookhouse Corporal.”
RP Lance Corporal – “Well frow the f*ckin’ stuff away and take the mug back!”
I throw the tea away and with the two RP’s laughing behind me run back into the cookhouse with the mug.
But wait, am I not one of the army's crème de la crème? Am I not a future senior NCO of the British Army? Yes, of course I am. Am I going to be defeated by a brainless Regimental Policeman? Of course I'm not!
So I refill the mug and carefully sneak out of another exit.
Voice from round the corner of the cookhouse - “You, come here!”
I turn and see the RP Lance Corporal who has run from his previous position and has managed to outflank one of the British Army’s potentially finest!
RP Lance Corporal – “You are on a f*ckin’ charge! Name, Rank and Number!”

Some time later we have "Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right, Halt!" as I and the said Lance Corporal visit the Company Commander.
Charged under section 49 (I think) of the Army Act in that I failed to obey a direct order etc. etc... The aforementioned Lance Corporal gives his obviously carefully rehearsed version of events and then I was asked if I have anything to say!
It is now that I realise why I out of thousands of potential recruits was chosen by Her Majesty to be a future leader of Her Army!
“Sir, I did not disobey any order!” say I, “When ordered to throw away the tea I did so and the Corporal never ordered me not to get anymore.”
We all know that the Army is built on technicalities and here was a classic one. I was found not guilty of the charge. The Lance Corporal was dismissed and I was left in the room with the OC. He gave me a long lecture on how close I had been to a stay in the guardroom if I had been charged under the disobeying standing orders section instead.
As I left I had to pass the Lance Corporal trying to explain to the RP Sergeant how come he had been unable to get a guilty verdict from such an obvious case. The look on his face as he saw me gave me the impression that my mug shot was now indelibly etched on one of his few brain cells and if he had anything to do with it my day's were numbered.
Of course my days of removing tea from the cookhouse were over and for the rest of my stay at the Tonfanau holiday camp I had to make large detours whenever I saw a Regimental Policeman, but I always thought that that was a sign that my major intellect could take me anywhere in the future.
It's a shame that the Army never came to realise what a find I was and never did turn me into a senior NCO or even, come to think of it, a real soldier.

 Return To The Guardhouse Page 


Why not tell us your guardhouse story:

 Email the Webmaster